Q: What is your dream job?
A: Oh boy, that’s a tough one. When Ames was little Ames wanted to be a paw model but then he realized he wanted to be valued for more than just his incredibly exquisite features so Ames spent most of his time refining his palette in the hopes of becoming a food critic.
The most recent food Ames reviewed was a leg of ham. Ames’ review was featured last month in the New York Beagle: “… the holiday roast started with a honey maple brown sugar glaze and finished moments later inside Ames’ tummy, much to the chagrin of the cats and to the bewilderment of the humans…”
Mostly Ames borrows food from his humans to review when they aren’t looking. The strangest food Ames has ever reviewed was probably whipped cream. For some reason, Ames’ human likes putting it on Ames’ nose.
Q: When was the last time you had peanut butter?
A: One day, four hours, thirteen minutes and forty three seconds ago. I got to lick the spoon.
Since then I have also had kibbles (boring), pizza crust (yay), biscuits (meh), spilled macaroni and cheese (yay), spilled carrots (blech), spilled pork loin marinade (yay) and a peanut in a sofa (double yay).
Don’t even get me started on blueberry pie.
Q: Why do beagles whine so much?
A: First of all, Ames can not even believe you are asking him that question.
Ames barely whines at all.
Ames does sing the beautiful song of his beagles when Ames is hungry, sleepy, hot, cold, indifferent, bored or perhaps mildly uncomfortable.
If Ames were you, Ames would back that question train right back into the station then give all the passengers free peanut butter.
Q: Why do beagles always sniff everything?
A: Well, Ames can only speak for Ames self, but Ames sniffs everything because you never, ever know, but one day, when you least expect it, there could be, like, literally, an entire jar of peanut butter hiding behind something.
For Ames, finding that jar would be the ultimate jackpot. If Ames found seven jars at once, he would probably just retire from sniffing all together.
Ames heard that a puggle found like, half a hamburger once. Also, this one time Ames was sniffing a stereo cabinet and he found a half-eaten candy bar but some fascist pulled it out of Ames’ mouth before he could eat it. Lame, bro.
Q: Is it true you can never be off leash?
A: It really depends on who you ask. These people I live with are a couple of tyrants so if you ask them, then yes, it is true, Ames can never be off leash.
BUT IF YOU ASK AMES, then totally TOTALLY false. Ames can totally be off leash. This one time, I saw a door open and I was like, YOLO!!!!! GOING OUT BRO!!!!! Then I ran down the street, played dodge the cars in traffic, stopped all the traffic, took the people I live with on a surprise two mile run and played hide and seek with them and was followed by a rogue mini van until all the fascists could contain me again.
I’m totally cool off leash, though. Don’t even worry about it. Srsly.
*you know it wink*